If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Why do we say "tuna fish" but we don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
What do you use to clean a tuba?
A tuba toothpaste.
How does a broom act?
With sweeping gestures.
What did the earthquake say after it stopped shaking?
It's not my fault!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with an eagle?
A paralegal.
Do moths cry?
Sure. Haven't you ever seen a moth bawl?
Sign on an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place.
Women who don't repulse men's advances, advance men's pulses.
How do you fix a broken tomato?
With tomato paste.
Why did the kid bring scissors to school?
So he could cut class
Why is a crossword puzzle like a quarrel?
Because one word leads to another.
When prices are going up, what remains stationary?
Writing paper and envelopes.
Where do butchers dance?
At a meatball.
Q: What did the bee say to the other bee in summer?
A: Swarm here isn't it!